Thursday, July 13, 2006

heartsick

i have this beautiful daughter who, right now, i'm treating like shit. i'm hurt, my heart hurts ... and i need to stop doing this to myself & to her. she's at her dad's & being the little 'daddy's girl'. i'm being a jealous idiot. i want her to choose ME, i want her to want to be with ME ... dumbdumbdumb. i want to be a little kid, stomp my feet, have a temper tantrum, cry my eyes out ... none of which will accomplish anything. why am i so possessive? why am i so jealous? dumb. dumbdumbdumb. last night at band she came running up to me 'cause she wanted $ for something to drink. she helped me scratch my nose (my arms were full of uniforms) but did she give me a kiss or anything? nope. so today, i'm being the immature hurt jealous fool. dumb.
i have to work at letting this go. i have to let her have her time with her dad without getting stupid about it. guess it was easier when she'd go with him & get mad because of his relationship with m. i could harbor a hope that she'd get mad enough to not want to be there. again, dumb. hmm... maybe this self-analysis is working ... since some of this i've not been willing/ready to admit even to myself. it's hard to watch her walk out the door to his home but i have to learn to accept this stuff. she's 16 and going to his house is only the beginning of the places she'll go to & not with me. *sigh* why do they have to grow up???
ok, it's helped to let some of this out. going to have to analyze my reactions & all a bit more, later. too much work too do right now.

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