Monday, September 25, 2006

timing

come friday night, i'm usually at a football game being a band mom. this past friday, the team played in cleveland so the band stayed here & practiced until 7:30. that meant i got to go home about 6:30 & spend the evening with my honey, vegging.

talk about timing ... talk about things being as they're meant to be ....

about 8:30, my oldest cousin's daughter called mom to tell her my cousin-in-law's diagnosis. t (c-in-l) has been battling severe debilitating headaches for well over a year. one treatment would work for a bit, then not. over and over and over. a week ago, she had swelling on the bridge of her nose & was very disoriented. now we know why. she has invasive, fast-moving brain cancer. thank god i was home! my mom was such a mess - she couldn't hold the phone, couldn't talk, just sobbed. there is nothing good about this, of course. no good answer, no cure, no whatever. i'm grateful they don't live far from us, so i can take mom to see them as soon as they're ready ...

following through with 'timing', i'm an early riser on saturday mornings. as i walked downstairs to get coffee started, i could hear sounds from mom's room. thought at first it was her tv, then realized it was her, sobbing. she was on the phone with my cousin - who is more mom's brother than nephew - and again, just couldn't talk.

i wish there were better answers. i wish, like so many other people, i understood why people like t are being taken while other wicked people are left on earth. i wish i wish i wish ....

(later....)
i've been sitting here this morning, wondering in part why this is affecting me so much. i mean, i love my cousin dearly - as well as his wife - but i just feel like some huge weight's being drug around. it's partly concern about mom. but it's also partly all the memories of my dad's illness this pulls up. i'm revisiting all the decisions, questions, frustrations, fear ... and it ain't fun. i remember wonderful things about my dad - but i remember too the horror of his cancer. and i know trudy's will be as bad, if not lots worse. ann (in england) is going through it all with her dad & his almost-at-its-end battle with cancer. as he said to ann the other day: we wouldn't treat an animal this way. how sadly true.

when will this world find a cure for cancer & quit worrying about who runs what country? who gives a damn if this area or that area is a democracy or not? not me. NOT ME.

No comments: